BPD Feels

There is a  huge stigma surrounding self-harm, wich might be one of the main reasons why it is so hard to ask for help when you find yourself doing it. A lot of people who are not familiar to the situation may believe that self-harming is about attention seeking, that it is a selfish thing to do, that it means you are suicidal, that it means you are crazy, that it means you enjoy the pain, that you can easily stop doing it, that self-harm only means cutting, that it is disgusting. Self-Harming  doesn’t necessarily mean cutting, it can be any action that causes harm to yourself, pullying you hair, punching a wall, hitting yourself, burning.  I have been self-harming for a while now, at first it was just punching or hitting myself, then I started cutting… I am not proud of it, I know there are better ways to deal with my emotions, I don’t enjoy it and most of the time I feel guilty and ashamed when I come back to my senses, but here are some reasons why I do it: ...

It is exhausting to deal with bpd. To feel every single emotion at its full potential. To impulsively react to every trigger. To replay every situation I go trough over and over. To overanalize every single action I take. To wonder all the time if i’ve screwed up by saying or doing something. To question everything that is said to me. To live in fear of hurting myself or someone else.  I don’t want to have to tone down my emotions anymore because it is EXHAUSTING... If I stop my self from feeling as intensely as I do, I become unable to identify what I am feelings and then numbness comes around... But if feel like if I don’t tone my self down, then I’ll be left alone, because "I'm too much".

Living with anxiety is surely no piece of cake... It comes and goes in the most unexpected ways. You might be having a great day and all if a sudden it gets ruined by anxiety. It might be triggered by something you hear, something you see, a comment someone makes to you, or for no reason at all. When I'm feeling anxious and someone asks me "Are you okay?" or "How are you doing?", I'll probably want to cry for help, but I'll most likely end up lying and saying "I'm fine". And here's a few reasons why: 1. My anxiety tells that I am a burden. Anxiety can make you think poorly about yourself. It might tell you are worthless, it might tell you that the ones you love would be better off without you, it might tell you that by speaking about how you feel you are only bringing trouble or discomfort to your loved ones. (I don't want to worry you) 2. I don't want wear you out. Anxiety can be hard and overwhelming not only fo...

One of the symptoms of BPD is having a history of intense and unstable relationships. For me personally, the hardest relationship to mantain healthy, is the one with my favorite person. ‘Favorite person’ is the term given to describe the relationship that someone with BPD depends on.   As borderlines, we don’t decide to have a FP… We suddenly find ourselves wanting to spend all day, every day with them. We admire and idolize them, to the point where we might start talking or acting like them, which is relate to the lack of sense of self. Our actions and emotions depend on what they do or what they don’t do and we need constant validation that they are okay with what we are doing or saying, because we are afraid to death of losing them or that they will stop loving us. We might try to push them away because we think so highly of them and so low of ourselves that it leads us to believe we are not worthy of them.  They are our only source of comfort, love and support. It i...

“When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds…” -Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted. My depression and anxiety had taken control of me, I felt stuck and scared, completely worthless and unlovable. I couldn’t stand my own existence, I had been self harming, having constant panic attacks, the voice in my head kept telling me that the people I loved would be better off without me, that someone else in the world deserved my place more than I did. I was having a rough day, I was lonely, I had no more will power left, no more energy, I exhausted. I didn’t wanted to feel anything anymore, anything at all I wanted to end to it. So I took some pills... I remember as I was taking a bath, I started feeling dizzy and fainted, my mom managed to get me o...

When you are first diagnosed with a condition you might not know how to take it, or what to do next… When I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and depression (about two years ago), I decided to dismiss my diagnosis because I did not believed in mental illness. I believed if I did acknowledged it I meant that I was admitting to be a failure, to be broken, to be defective, that it was like feeling pity for myself, I was ashamed of the fact that I sometimes wasn’t able to control myself or my what goes on in my mind. I managed to be “stable” for a while, but then I had a relapse. It caused me  A LOT of problems: at work, in my academic life, with my family, my friends, my relationship… It felt like my hole world was crumbling apart, I was putting everything I need to do on hold, cancelling plans, loosing friendships, bursting out in rage, self-harming, hurting everyone around me. I didn’t knew how to get better, it felt like took one ...