How my suicide attempt saved my life

“When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds…” -Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted.

My depression and anxiety had taken control of me, I felt stuck and scared, completely worthless and unlovable. I couldn’t stand my own existence, I had been self harming, having constant panic attacks, the voice in my head kept telling me that the people I loved would be better off without me, that someone else in the world deserved my place more than I did.

I was having a rough day, I was lonely, I had no more will power left, no more energy, I exhausted. I didn’t wanted to feel anything anymore, anything at all I wanted to end to it. So I took some pills...

I remember as I was taking a bath, I started feeling dizzy and fainted, my mom managed to get me out of the shower. I remember feeling like everything was spinning and I couldn't move, I remember hearing so many sounds that weren’t there, random words said by random voices, my parents begging me: say something! do something! So I fought with the little strength I had left to get back on my feet.

My parents rushed me to the hospital where we spent all day. My dad asked "What makes life so bad that you don't want to live it?", myself, I thought.

That night my parents took me for diner, mom tucked me into bed and hugged me until I feel asleep. I felt loved, I felt worthy, I felt alive. 

I am not sure what exactly changed that day. I just know every since I want to be alive, I want to fight my battle and do whatever I takes until I win my battle.

To the suicidal people out there:  This life is only yours and you have the right to do anything you want with it, even take it away. But  if you can do ANYTHING you want with it, why would you take it away? It will be hard, there will be days when you’ll feel like it’s too much to handle, there will be days when you’ll feel empty, there will be days when you’ll feel worthless, there will be days when you’ll feel like you don’t have control. But there will be days when you’ll enjoy every single sound, every smell, every sound. There will be days when you’ll feel joyful, there will be days when you’ll feel strong and confident, there will be days when you’ll feel alive, there will be days where you’ll feel loved. And those moments are what make life worth living.