BPD Feels

I’ve heard more than once in my life that suicide is "the easy way out”. Do they think it is easy for someone to chose to end their life? Do they think it means they are avoiding their problems and feelings? Do they think the reason why someone ends their own life is so that they don’t have to deal with their demons? Do they really think this is the reasoning behind it? The hardest decision I have ever made was deciding I didn’t want to be alive anymore. The first time I ever asked for help I was told that it was “normal” for me to feel this way, that I was just going through adolescence. My friends already called me “crazy” and said I was “too intense”, the one time I talked to a friend about it, they freaked out. I was living on a constant fight with my mind, I was too depressed to do ANYTHING at all, I was living in fear, I felt too much emotional pain to the point where it became physical pain. It felt unbearable, I was living in hell, a hell made up by myself. I thought about...

I am breathing quite heavily because it feels like I can't catch air, I feel like I am about to throw up, like my throat  is being pressed , like I am carrying  the heaviest burden on my chest and shoulders, I have a terrible stomach ache, my head hurts, my whole body is shaking  uncontrollably , it feels like my heart has been replaced  by a rock, my ears are buzzing. I know I am doing this to myself and I know it is not fair. I should be enjoying myself. I need some kind of interaction and my parents are in the living-room with my aunt and uncle, but I can't handle that much people. I can't stop thinking about how happy and safe I would feel if I was spending this moment with one of my loved ones. I know I could make myself feel happy and safe, but it feels like I've forgotten how to do it, anxiety took control. I want to punch a wall, I want to hurt myself and snap back, feel present. I've been feeling way too much lately...